Pompous and portentous advertising on Mother’s Day over the years has been successfully and shamelessly commercialised. The normalisation of such materialism is disgraceful. The debauched and deceitful are more often treasured than being detested. The smart work and the influential network of multiple and multilevel players with the required material resources and skills, motherhood brands, have been created, sponsored, and boosted. For instance, brand surrogacy and associated exploitation have been made popular through the mainstream cinema of Bollywood even in the patriarchal belt of South Asia. Assorted brands of motherhood for different socio-economic classes are obvious in Pakistan as well. The mass media showcases them quite well and the new age media compliments them. The well-marketed supermoms are effortless multitaskers with style. A perfect chef in aesthetically done kitchens, is super fit physically, can conceive and raise exceptionally bright kids, and does wonders at workplaces besides becoming a social media influencer aka inspiration. The corporate sector, voluntary sector and all entities falling under the umbrella of the social development industry confer ceremonial attention to many serious concerns of any woman who wants to grow professionally, financially contribute to her family and keep the family life intact as well. Over the years, a pretty long list of jargon and terms like maternal wall bias, pay gaps, glass ceilings, sticky floor, mommy track, motherhood penalty etc. have been generated and flashed through infographics, media advocacy, policy reports, program/project proposals and PR events.
Visually appealing and algorithm appropriate content and conversations get the desired traction and hence the business ends. But this is not the end. The consequences of the actual degree and depth of the stigma, bias, bigotry, and inequality faced by a vast majority of mothers in general and single mothers in particular in their work lives are never commonly identifiable, credited and or comprehended. Hence, many demotions, mental breakouts, physical ailments, long at times endless phases of unemployment, bullying, gaslighting, and so on and so forth remain buried under the illusionary standards of power, prestige, and privileges. The number of such women has yet to be ascertained. There seem to be one “brand ” of mothers that is popularised. Leaving aside, single mothers, working mothers who are divorced or married, widowed mothers, mothers raising children that are results of the infidelity of husbands, and women who are raising children who are an outcome of rape.
“Badass” moms rarely gain the same virtue entitled to their “ready to endure subjugation and abuse” sisters.
The “badass “moms who may be celebrated in the literature, art and cinema, rarely gain the same virtue and value entitled to their “ready to endure subjugation and abuse” type of sisters. Society at large never stops singling out the good and the bad mothers. Just like a perfect victim of any sexual and gender-based violence /crime has to be a little girl or boy preferably dead/murdered to appear credible or a submissive appearing individual usually girls and women a perfect mother who deserves respect, love, popularity, and value has been constructed. They have to fit a certain stereotype of a superwoman where vulnerability has no space, where being a dissenter or not so unflawed is not an option. Where postpartum depression is not talked about, mental health is overlooked and only an organized perfect kitchen, perfect children, happy husband and in-laws are meant to be portrayed. Where the struggle is sidelined and the success is an untroubled home, for which the sole responsibility is pinned upon a woman who is the mother. The nonconformists’ mothers are often labelled sarcastically as feminists, NGOized moms and or liberals by the self-appointed guardians of morality and women’s choices.
Beyond these somewhat familiar brands of mothers, there is a definite existence of some exceptionally unloved and shunned mothers. Under this set, I see those women who become mothers through incestuous rape, gang rape and war rape. They are punished by society, culture and at times even by the states for their undone sins or crimes and never condoned. They are never offered any access to safe abortion care. Only a few among thousands of such mothers get some limited access to psychosocial counselling and opportunities to bounce back. The invisible wounds of the trauma remain not only with them but are transferred to the children of rape who too suffer miserably. I am also aware of those women who have children with physical disabilities and or intellectual disabilities, gender expressions and identity questions. Geography, culture, social class, and political environs determine to a major extent the fate and quality of life of their children and their worth. However, the desolation and deprivation of mothers who give birth to transgender who are taken away from them right after birth or at some point are so difficult to define. The challenges, complications and cost of being a trans must be understood with compassion rather than judged.
I look forward to the day when the development agenda lucidly offers thoughtfulness to distinct aspects of motherhood and the diversity of mothers. There is a critical need to craft mothers focused and led Human Resource policies (this is more than an ill-equipped day-care centre). I entreat all governments to look at the representation of motherhood and women who are single mothers ( especially those who are divorced, rape victims and abandoned wives). The patriarchal interpretations of religions and cultures have to be rejected in this context. Our public policies and the State should offer respect, tax breaks, social benefits and opportunities to all ordinary women who may or may not be or become mothers.
The writer is a published author, Ashoka Fellow, Public Health & GESI Expert and founder of thinktank Apna Wallet.
